On the Eve of the New Year...

My life has seen many changes. I have had a roller coaster of a ride when it comes to romantic relationships, and I will now end the year single. I feel lost in terms of, well, everything. I wonder if I have even followed God's will in the past two years. I have no way of knowing if I have done "the right thing". It is hard to believe at times, like today, that I have purpose. Why am I in Texas? What was the purpose in that? I thought God had brought me together with a certain person and had firmly believed it was the person I was to marry, only to see that dashed to pieces before me. I made a wonderful new friend in the process, and was unsure if it was to be more, causing more confusion, and have finally decided I must not proceed further than friendship with him at present because I still need to heal and draw closer to Christ. To use a visual, it is as if I sit admist the scattered pieces of what WAS my life in the past year, and have no idea how to put them back together again into a whole. There is uncertainty with my employment for the coming year, but that is not what concerns me so much.

One thing that has always bothered me deeply from time to time is an overwhelming sense of not "fitting" anywhere. I can hang out with friends but then after feel like I was on the "outside" somehow, not really belonging. It leaves me feeling so sad and lonely. It was like that all through college as well. It is has also saddened me and left me feeling without purpose that I went to school for music and graduated, and since then, I have had decreasing opportunities to use the gift of my voice for the Church. I hardly sing anymore, and so it is also painful to listen to my senior recital CD from college and feel like I cannot sing as well as that anymore. That I am losing that gift little by little because I have no solid place to use it, and I do not have money for continual voice lessons. Even if I did, I would wonder what the purpose in taking them would be, if I have no place to really use my voice.

So this advent, I have turned more to Jesus, and do the thing that is hardest for me: I wait on him. I don't know what he wants from me. I don't know if there is something more I am supposed to be doing for him. I end up wishing things had turned out differently this year than they are right now. The way things have gone has left me feeling like I am floundering and just plain tired of not knowing what direction I am going in. I have forsaken my own desires to find the man I am supposed to spend my life with to hopefully witness the rebirth of a friendship between the two who mean alot to me and used to be good friends.

It creates a burden on my heart that is hard to explain, but seeing their friendship will mean more than any relationship. I think what makes the burden hard... is because I spent 3-4 years learning how to be content by myself, and with Christ. And then I understand my vocation to marriage through someone brought into my life, only to have it taken away, and yet still have to live in the place where I reminded of it every day. And yet I have to return to how it was before, to my time with just Christ and myself.

As I grow older, I do find myself understanding this world more and more as a vale of tears, and desire the coming of Christ, to wipe away all sadness, and live with him forever in joy and peace, for he is the only one who can fill my heart, comfort it, and wipe away my tears. It is a sadness, and yet also a joy, to envision resting in his arms and with our mother Mary, knowing that they understand the aches of my heart and the troubles of my soul.

Update from Texas

Yes. I know it has been forever since I posted anything. So there is probably only one person still reading this blog, and it is for him that I am posting :)

Here in Fort Worth, I find that I miss having solemn liturgies. I have been rather spoiled the past 3 years having been at a latin mass parish in NJ singing polyphony for feast days and then a year in Chicago at St John Cantius. Now I am in Fort Worth where the only place I can sing choral music and keep my voice up is singing this sacred music in a concert setting with the Denton Bach Society. I had thought I would have better opportunities here, but that has not been the case. It is especially disheartening to not be able to involve myself with music for the latin mass in Fort Worth. I still go to the latin mass sunday evenings, but I won't get into the details about the music for it and the lack of opportunity to get involved. It just frustrates me. Also, the latin mass here is rather low key compared to what I am used to for a Latin high mass.

The only place I've gotten myself involved with for Catholic church music is a little mission parish called San Mateo. It has been a great place though, very small, and the priest is very supportive of doing chant and sings the whole 10am mass himself, in English! It's really the most "solemn" novus ordo in the diocese besides at the college of St. Thomas More.

And since I can't make money doing music down here, I've gotten a job with the Princeton Review, which I enjoy. I just still am not full time, so i do not have salary or benefits yet. I am hoping I will by November. We shall see.

As usual, God is doing all kinds of interesting things regarding my vocational journey. I moved here because of a particular person, who I am no longer with. Things fell out between us, which was rather a shock. I am still healing. At the same time, God had me meet another young man... the whole situation has just been... I don't even know what to say. We all just keep praying and trying to follow God's will.

I also just keep praying for my siblings, especially my sister. I will be going home at Thanksgiving for a visit (Yay!), which I thought was important so I could see my sister and her Fiance in case she DOES fly to Chile in December with him to get married. I also wanted to see my little niece so she doesn't forget who her aunt is. I can't wait to see her! She is absolutely adorable and turns 2 on Nov. 5th.

That's about all I have for now. I need to get to bed for work tomorrow. I am thinking also about closing this blog down. Unless I get a response from people not to, I probably will.

Moving to Texas

I am finally headed off for Texas tomorrow. The whole process of moving is rather stressful, to tell you the truth. The trip had been delayed a day. I was supposed to leave yesterday. But rather than give a lot of details why, just pray for better physical health of my traveling companion, who is the main reason for my moving to Texas. If you happen to read this, also pray for our safe travel. It will be a two day trip, so we will be on the road both tomorrow and Friday.
I don't know what to expect really, once I move there. I just need to strive to have hope that things will be good, that God wants me to have happiness and He is good and merciful.
You may wish to add a prayer for my own mental health, which has not been the best since my move to Chicago. I plan to be working on taking care of that once I move to Texas. That, and figuring out what in the world I am supposed to be doing with my life right now, regarding work.

The Near Demise of my Own Blog

I will say that my own blog has come closer to death than the Owl's blog. I am considering putting an end to it myself. It is at the very bottom of my priority list. However, since i am on here now, I may as well say that I will officially be leaving the liberal atmosphere of Chicago and moving to the sunny land of Texas on June 17th. It is a move that is much anticipated on my part! I am sure I will look back over time, on this year spent in Chicago and come to realize many things that the good Lord was trying to teach me, however at this point in time, i am not sure how well He succeeded. I just sang tonight for a Pontifical High mass at St John Cantius to kick off a triduum of masses in honor of the year of St Paul. Auxilary Bishop Perry of Chicago was the celebrant. I sang as a quartet with another girl and two of the brothers. We sang two nice motets and chant mass VIII with organ accompaniment. I must say, it felt rather strange to be having such a high mass in the middle of the week with no special feast day! This mass was also recorded, because I believe they plan to put it on their priest training site at some point in the near future, which is Sancta Missa. So I shall have a musical moment of fame more than once! Not only will my voice likely be on their website in some fashion, but also on EWTN on July 1st! Clips of all the Cantius choirs were recorded in the past couple months, and will be shown as part of a feature program on St. John Cantius on July 1st. It is sure to be a highlight of the program, since one of the EWTN priests who came during lent (?) to be trained in the EF was so impressed with the parish's choral program. So be sure to check out EWTN on July 1st!
And also before I leave, I shall be conducting the women's chant schola one last time. we shall be singing the Corpus Christi chants on June 14th for the 12:30pm mass. I shall miss it.
But many musical possibilities await me in Texas! I look forward to being able to do more directing, possibly with choral music. Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend the Sacred Music Colloquium this year. Funny how I moved to the city where it is now held, but will not be going. At least I shall be moving away before the conference, that way I shall not miss it so much.
My move to Texas has more to do with my vocation than with music :) So a prayer for Richard and I if you happen to read this. God willing, we will marry in two years. But first things first: I shall move, and then we shall see how things progress. There are many activities I hope to be involved in in Fort Worth TX! Say a prayer for safe travel too, if you will. Richard will be driving down to TX with me on June 17th and 18th.

My Anticipation for Easter! ... among other things

Well, I recently took a trip to Texas to visit the man who is courting me, and that was a wonderful time. It has helped to put me in a better frame of mind for Lent and just start afresh with certain things in my life. It was a respite that was desperately needed!
Also, from the looks of things, that is where I may end up living starting this summer... we shall see. It is a strong possibility, and one that I am peace with and would look forward to :)

But the really exciting thing is I just have worked out going back to Philadelphia for Holy Week! And Richard shall fly from Texas to join me there! I have been wanting to go back to where I went to school, and back to Mater Ecclesiae, to visit since I left, and going back for Holy week to sing has been in the back of my mind for months. I can't believe I will actually get to do it! and I get to have Richard there with me. God is truly good. It will be wonderful to still get to sing for all the Holy week liturgies, which i would not get to do if i stayed in Chicago. That would be hard to take, since I have sang for all Holy week liturgies for as long as I can remember. I started singing in church when i was six, and so i probably starting singing with the larger choir for holy week by the time I was in 5th or 6th grade. the whole trip is possible due to the fact that Mater Ecclesiae does Polyphony all that week and so pays its singers for every mass. It is the most wonderful place to be during Holy week that I have ever experienced. The beauty of Holy Week in the Extraordinary form is beyond words.
It will also be a wonderful time to visit friends I haven't seen since I graduated, and have Richard meet them and see my Alma Mater, and maybe even go swing dancing so he can meet those people, even though on principle it will be a little odd to go dancing during Holy Week. I may make an exception this year, for the sake of having him meet the people I know.
I can't wait for this! well, i can actually, because I have to, but it gives me something to look forward to with much joy. Now, back to focusing on Lent, and preparing myself for Easter...

LOONG overdue Update!

I know i haven't posted in a while. but it isn't exactly on the top of my priority list, and I know hardly anyone reads it. But for the heck of it, I thought I would update it. As far as liturgical music things go, the women's chant schola I started at St. John's is going well. Tomorrow, I will begin my first attempt at really teach chant theory to others. I am using the "Square Notes Workbook in Gregorian Chant" as my guide. I am eager to give this a try, although it will be a little bit of a crash course, since we will essentially work throught the whole book in just one month (and just 4 meetings). Then the next time we will sing chants for mass will be the Feast of the Annunciation.
Also, starting this week and going through lent, I have been asked to come to Wednesday night masses and help with singing polyphony, just one voice to a part. That is how I like it best, it really makes you accountable for knowing your own part well. I am very glad I will have an outlet to start singing polyphony again! I will really be glad someday to start conducting it more myself, teaching others.

Un-musical news:

For anyone reading this, although I have discerned my vocation now, other things are very much in the air, and I am allowing them to distress me by wanting answers now to things that God does not plan to give me answers to yet. So i need to be more at peace with just where I am at the present moment. The biggest thing is whether I will stay in Chicago after one full year here come July. At the moment, the option is very much open to me to move back to Philadelphia, the area where I went to school. And the possibility is very appealing to me. But I need to just give it time and really listen for what God wants me to do. It is hard, because overall, my time in Chicago so far has been emotionally and spiritually difficult for me. It means I have grown ALOT, I see that I have grown in virtue and maturity and in so many other ways... but I do not if I should remain in such situations for more than a year. The desire to be nearer to my family again, and live with Catholic women i can really pray with, and be in a place that feels more like a home, is very strong. And I need a job that is better suited to my character and talents. I know God placed me where I am present to teach me virtue, but I cannot see myself doing it for more than a year.
But that is just it, who knows! God's plans may be very different from my own, he may WANT me to stay here, and to keep dealing with what I deal with. I don't know. So I just keep praying for patience and to know his answers to my questions and prayers when the time is right. Keep striving to place it all in Our Mother's hands. There is not much else I can do yet. All these decisions will also be partially tied up in the decisions of the young man I think I am called to marry. So that adds a whole other layer of complexity to the situation.

And to end, I ask that the reader say a prayer for me for perseverance, charity, and humility.
I will continue to ask the Lord to make me a saint, no matter how much it hurts at times.

A Vocation to Marriage

That's right. I have discerned that my vocation is marriage. I am at peace with the decision and that God has called me to this vocation, but it will take time getting used to it. This knowledge is confirmed by my spiritual director as well. We had a good laugh at the end of my last meeting with him on Friday, because he told me it didn't surprise me that I came to this conclusion, because he knew from day 1 when I met with him that I was called to marriage! And he didn't tell me! Haha, well, I guess it is one of those things you really do need to discern for yourself, with the guidance of another. The turning point came at the end of the first week of November actually. There is a joy and relief in knowing with conviction what my vocation is, and yet a touch of sadness... Because there are things about religious life that I am attracted to, and God had me look into religious life for 3-4 years, only to find that it is not my calling. Yet i know there are probably many reasons for that: 1) to prepare me spiritually, in virtue, for a right relationship with another person that will be centered in Christ, 2) to deepen my own spiritual life so that I will yearn more for the things of heaven, even when in marriage. to know that marriage is to lead me to sanctity and union with God, 3) i thought at times that i really would become a nun eventually, but struggled with realizing how long it would be before i could enter due to school loans, and no community ever seemed to be the right one, but now the waiting i can view differently: God had me waiting because i was trying to go down the wrong path.

The other wonderful thing is that God has used a young man to make me realize I am called to marriage. I don't know if I will ever marry this man, but my constant prayer is that if it be pleasing to our Lord, to let him be the one. And now I am waiting for a different reason. I do not think my next long waiting, if this man is the one I am to marry, is because i am on the wrong path, but because God still has much work to do in us to prepare us for such a vocation. So I strive to cultivate and patient and joyful waiting, especially during this season of advent. Waiting not only for the coming of Our Lord Jesus Christ a second time, but having advent help me to cultivate a joyful hope in the things God has planned for the rest of my life.

Whoever reads this, please say a prayer for me and this young man, for Our Lady to guard us and strengthen our virtue, so that from the very start our relationship, no matter where it leads, will be one that is holy, pure, and guides us closer to the hearts of Jesus and Mary.