Still Alive

Wow, it has been a month since I have posted. I admit, blogging is not anywhere near the top of my list of to do's. I am glad that my life is now busier. I have been a bit busy with vocation discernment, and i work all day monday through friday now, and I also waitress two nights a week. I have choir practice Monday nights, and adoration and lectio divina thursday nights. And soon I hope to be having even more to do.
Musically, I am in the initial stages of forming a women's chant schola at my parish, with the approval of the priest in charge of music there. I wrestled for a while about whether to ask to do it, but he thought it was a good idea, and we are starting it slow by building it in the context of the choral women's choir. However, the experience so far has shown this will not work very well. There is just not the time without adding separate rehearsals. So I am praying that I may get a core group committed to break off and have its own rehearsals starting in November, with the approval of the priest of course. I really enjoy studying the chants and working on the chironomy, and I really do love conducting! There is something so satisfying about it for me.
I have schedule my first voice lesson with a teacher in the city as well, but that will only happen about once a month because of the cost. My teacher however, is a choir member of the professional choir at my parish, so she can hopefully prepare me to audition for that same choir eventually. That would help so much!
Spiritually, I am being challenged so much right now. There often does not seem like much joy in my life right now, but I am being purified. It is all part of God's plan. And you know, I have told him that I will to be a saint. So i guess you get what you ask for... that may be the case with my vocation too... but I will not know the definitive answer to THAT for a while I think. The advice and practical applications of my spiritual direction though are helping me very much in my discernment. Words really cannot describe the amazing but difficult path God is leading me on, with the guidance of our Holy Mother Mary. My consecration to her has profoundly changed my life, how I understand vocations... everything.
Well, i think those are enough thoughts for now. I must rest, and rise for a new day tomorrow. May Our Lady guide all Catholics closer to the foot of the Cross to be purified by the sacrifice of Christ.

Making ends meet, and other things

Well, I have a job with a catholic organization, but still I think I will have to work a couple nights a week at a restaurant or something. Not what I would have liked to do, after working all day somewhere else, but otherwise I don't see how I could save money for a plane ticket home in December. Or start paying college loans off at a reasonable pace. (sigh) well, i chose to major in music I guess. As far as music goes, I am not really satisfied with what I have done with that either. I have the strong desire to direct something, even if it's just starting a schola at my parish. I would love the opportunity to try, and gain the experience. At least I am singing in good choirs, so my vocal abilities don't completely regress, since I can't afford voice lessons at the moment. So I just hope musically, there is more I can do, in time.
An exciting thing is that my sister is in Chile again right now! She could use prayers for her own discernment. I am proud that she has taken a leap of faith, which is hard for her to do. May God be with her and the young man she went down there to see. Her and I both seemed to have had God turn our worlds upside down, starting in the same week! It was pretty crazy... but it helps us relate to each other better right now. We both are wishing we knew what the future held, and yet, to know would diminish half the excitement of the hidden will of God. One step at a time...

"Rapid fire" discernment?

Interesting phrase my new spiritual director used to describe how God has been working in my life lately. But it is appropriate. Since January, I had taken a "break", in a sense from actively discerning religious life, and just to sort through everything from my retreat, and I was tired of searching. I didn't know in what direction I was to take the next step. So I waited, and focused on finishing school. and then after college, I waited, and searched for work, and prayed, trying to figure out what was next in my life, now that I had graduated. Where did God want me? was I to stay in VT? Now what about my vocation? And then, since the end of June, everything has happened at such a rapid speed! So much has happened in my life in a span of three months, that I think I'm still trying to digest it all, and as my spiritual director thinks, maybe the rapid developments are not done yet. Why God has chosen to do so much in my life so quickly NOW, I don't know. Hindsight is always better in the spiritual life. There is a good possibility that God is leading me to know with surety my vocation sooner than a year from now. But even if that happens, I know that I will pray for continual indications and signs that I have chosen the right vocation, and take the time to prepare myself for it. I want to know my vocation, and yet, there is still a little nagging fear at times. Spiritual direction was such a relief today. It is very necessary, because I can't trust myself without the counsel, and I shouldn't. I put full trust in Our Lady, that she will not let me stray from the will of God, if I am truly her slave.

The Feast of the Assumption

Today, I will be blessed to attend a solemn vespers, profession of vows, and solemn high mass at the parish of St. John Cantius. The feast has layered meaning for them, as their brothers make professions of varying degrees, and it is also the 10th anniversary of the founding of the Canons Regular of St. John Cantius. It is also Fr. Phillips' 20th anniversary of being at this parish! I do not get to sing in the solemn high mass for this, but I will still very much enjoy internally participating in the music from the pews. I wanted to share the rundown of the music that will be done tonight. I hope to talk to the director after mass, who said he would be interested in auditioning me for the St. Cecilia choir, which is the one that will be singing tonight. There are even recordings of them for sale on the cantius website.
Music:
7:30 pm Latin Mass (Extraordinary Form)
Missa Vidi Speciosam - Tomás Luis de Victoria (1548 – 1611)
Veniens de Libono - Francesco Bianciardi (1572 – 1607)
Assumpta est Maria - Peter Phillips (c. 1560 – 1628)
Te DeumGregorian Chant - St. Cecilia Choir

Benedictus, Op. 59, No. 9 - Max Reger (1873 – 1916)
Prelude on the Introit for the Solemnity of the Assumption - Simone Plé-Caussade (1897 – 1985)
Final: Allegro assai vivace (Organ Sonata in F Minor, Op. 65, No. 1) - Felix Mendelssohn-Bartholdy (1809 – 1847) Organ Prelude, Processional & Postlude

SPEECHLESS

This is probably one of the most amazing things I have ever come across. I have never seen or heard such a thing in all my life:

http://web.mac.com/gregorypeebles/Site/Welcome.html

There really is nothing that could accurately describe my reaction.

My future as a church musician?

I'm at one of those crossroads in life. maybe there is a better term for such a thing. It is more like one of those times when you aren't sure which direction is up or down or where the light is to guide you, yet you know it is still there. Christ is always there guiding, maybe I am just really starting to learn to take one day at a time, so it seems like I'm in a sort of darkness.
I feel like my musical development is at a standstill. I really haven't done much of anything with music since I graduate from college in May, and especially since the music colloquium in June. I don't even realize sometimes how much I miss singing and how much joy it can give me until I start singing with a group again. The focus right now just seems to be on other things. I am so preoccupied with finding a job, since a job as a church music right now is an impossibility and maybe will never become a reality, at least not as a full time job. I don't even think I would want it as a full time job. I don't know really what my role in church music is supposed to be at this moment. I'm too busy thinking about where I am going to work so I can pay bills and start paying off college loans, and now vocation discernment has been brought to the forefront again and will be at least for the next year. I really am ready to know my vocation now, I need a definite direction to work towards. but again, back to music. I'm getting involved in an already established parish music program in Chicago, by far the best in the city, but I don't know if there's anything else I should do. Maybe it is just too soon to tell yet, since I just moved here two weeks ago. It will be wonderful to sing polyphony again, but one of my desires in church music is for once to actually get to sing chant for mass on a fairly regular basis. Why is it everywhere I end up, women don't do any of the chanting? What is the point of the CMAA teaching women to chant if men only do it in some of the best church music programs? I can find it aggravating. I don't want to take chanting away from men at all, but why can't we have something like what we heard at the colloquium in such a well established music program. Surely there are women in the parish who really would love to chant. And why not? Also, as a church musician who may direct music someday, how am I ever supposed to direct a group to sing chant, be it men or women, if I have never gotten much of a chance to sing it with a group myself? I have the desire of possibly being the one to start such a women's schola, but question my ability to do so.
I just wonder i guess: am I skilled enough, really, to lead a music program in any way? And yet i know the only way to get that skill is to dive into it. You have to get your feet wet and learn from your mistakes as you go. But I guess it just seems like now is not the time. I thought maybe it was before June, but now the focus has shifted. Vocation discernment is more important, because that concerns what God is calling me to BE.

The Joy of Mater Ecclesiae

Although I am now at a parish with beautiful and amazing liturgy, I have found that there are still things I have experienced in the Latin Mass that I miss very much and have not experienced elsewhere. That is why I still miss Mater Ecclesiae at times. I miss the bold congregational singing of the chant mass settings, especially the creed. Even when we would sing a polyphonic mass setting, the creed was always for the people to chant. And they would raise the roof! Especially at "et unam, sanctam, catholicam, et apostolicam ecclesiam". that always was a powerful and beautiful moment. I miss Karl's bold organ music after the gospel. I miss the clear chanting of the texts by Fr. Pasley. Never have I heard better priest chanting anywhere. Not because there are not priests out there with better quality of voice (but even those are few), but because Father combines beauty with clarity and appropriate speed. You can truly understand his Latin and he often sounds like he could be as fluent speaking in Latin as he is in English because the sentence flow is so often spot on! Kudos to Fr. Pasley. I also think it is important if at all possible for the congregation to have books of music. Even if they can't read notation (supposedly), you would be surprised how many start to understand chant notation because it is simple enough to start picking up on it. It helps them to really learn the mass settings. Those music books should also have hymns I think. Although hymns are not to be the primary music, there is nothing more joyful to me than hearing a congregation raise the roof with a devotional hymn at the end of Mass. I would feel a deep sense of loss if we did not have such hymns as "The Strife is O'er", "This Joyful Eastertide", "On Jordan's bank", "Let all Mortal Flesh Keep Silence", and so many more. They give a cultural voice to our faith when appropriate. I have never been a member of a more joyful, faith-filled congregation than that of Mater Ecclesiae Catholic Church. There is such an earnestness about the faith there, and a love of participation in the mass, both internally and externally. I miss hearing a congregation really sing, and I mean REALLY SING. It has provided some of the most beautiful and moving moments in my worship of God in the Mass.
God Bless Mater Ecclesiae and their parish priest. May he grant them continued spiritual growth and many years more to worship God together. May their love for the faith reach much farther in the lives of others than they may ever know.